The stresses of dreaming.

Posted on: Monday, August 12, 2013

Dear Mallory,

I've been avoiding writing this letter all morning. I took my time with my make-up and hair and getting dressed. I started a load of laundry. I found all of the dogs' toys and threw them outside so their backyard experience this morning would be full of entertainment and whimsy. I refilled my coffee and decided I needed oatmeal with Craisins. Then, while I let that cool, I decided I needed to start burning through our candles. So I found our votives, placed them in the appropriate candle containers, and lit them on fire. Which meant I needed to save the wick in a rather large, ill-burning candle. And then, to prove all of this happened, I took photos of everything. Oh! Also, somewhere in there, I got all caught up on some of my favorite blogs.

Sorry if that photo of the oatmeal grosses you out...

I'm sorry for the delay.

On Friday night I said good bye to our roommate, Kate Yo. She left for Chicago early Saturday morning and ever since then our house has felt gigantic, empty, and silent. Hurley has been a little weird. We're back to doing our own dishes. I've started to realize all of this crap in our house really is ours. And yesterday, sweating profusely while wrestling with some weeds [say that 5 times fast], I cursed our large backyard and the lack of helping hands and our dogs who pee on everything [I love you so, you muttly dogs]. And while this all might sound very stupid and shortsighted of me, I really miss our roommate. I miss my sister who once lived with us and now lives 5 short miles away. I dread saying good bye to her. I miss the days of not having roommates because, had I known then how difficult these good byes would be, I wouldn't have invited them into our homes and our lives.

And while I love dreaming of the future--Australia mayhaps!--it's making me impatient. And a little bitter. I know our lives are happening now but I'd like to do what we want to do now, not what the Military wants us to do. I'm tired of making do with what we have. I'm tired of talking about "someday," and wish, instead, that "someday" was now.

And had I known the Military was going to move us again, I wouldn't have grown so attached to our house and our town and my friends. I would have stayed in the house that was repeatedly broken into. I would have stayed there, comfortably close to the large dog park and the job that I left because I thought I'd have time to change my career. I would have done so many things differently.

And I'm just so beside myself today. I'm sad. I'm angry. And I am anxious. Nothing is in my control. Nothing can be changed. I have to make life decisions based on this bitch who demands my husband's attention, moving us and deploying him and leaving us alone for nights, weeks, and months at a time. The Military is ruthless and selfish and weird and scary and avoidant. And lately I've been struggling. I've been struggling to focus on the next two years; the last two years Aaron will give to the Military. I'm pursuing my Master's out of anger. I daily go back and forth on our decision to have kids. I don't know where we should settle down once we're out [Australia, Michigan, Chicago, D.C., Florida...?]. And then there are friends like you. I just hurt for you and your little family. I wish we were neighbors so we could knock out TDYs and deployments together, but even simple things like having neighbors you like is outside of our control.

[Confession: I took another break to go outside and clean up the Miracle Grow I spilled all over the gardening table yesterday. Which meant I then had to turn the sprinkler on so as to ensure that Miracle Grow works! And then I consoled Chuck because ever since I sprayed her down with the hose after one of her many romps in the mud she's been terrified. You can't blame the girl.]

I have no idea what happened to our grass.

I've been telling everyone I'm excited about this move because I am. But I'm also scared, really stressed out, and tired. I would just like to get it over with. We're still waiting on TMO & Finance to tell us how many reimbursable days we have to move from the PNW to the South. We just discovered, in order to get a moving incentive, we have to move 500lbs of our stuff. I have no idea how we're going to cram 500lb of crap into our Jetta [this does not include our bodies or the dogs' bodies]. The earliest TMO can have our belongings in our rental is 5 days after we arrive in the South [which means they have more time to move our belongings than we do to move ourselves]. The Military is no longer paying us before the move and is, instead, reimbursing us afterwards. They just don't have the funds. Which makes me wonder, how are families--like yourself, with babies and dogs and cats and things--moving without that extra help? It's a forced move, people! What are they doing with that money? Wouldn't it be cheaper to pay us beforehand? Who's making these decisions? I imagine it's some rich, white, wealthy jerk in D.C. taking naps in his plush, leather office chair, toupee dangling precariously on his bald head, cigar staining his teeth.

[I'm sorry. I know money is a touchy subject. But it's extra touchy in the Military, and I'm just frustrated right now!]

Do you guys have TMO move you? Or do you move yourselves? What things do you love about moving? And hate? How do you say good bye? Is it a relief when you get on the road or are you terrified of what's to come? I like moving. I really, really do. It's always an adventure and I'm so happy we'll only be a day's drive from MI. But it's these upcoming weeks, before we hit the road, that I hate. Do you get antsy like I do? Do you write lists? Do you save them on your computer? Do you plan out a road trip or try to get there as fast as you can? Camp or stay in hotels? Stop at "roadside attractions" or blow past them? Do you go out of your way to see cool things like national parks and war monuments, or do you stick to a straight and narrow path?

I would do anything for that face, though.

Sorry for the ranting and raving. Wednesday's letter will be much nicer and coherent... I promise. I think I need to go outside, turn on some Girl Talk, and absorb some vitamin D.

Thank you for being such an understanding friend,

PS: In an attempt to procrastinate further, I tried to find some index cards for a project and it seems I have packed them already. If only I wasn't always such an overachiever... ["Overachiever" sounds better than "antsy" or "anxious" or "crazy."]


  1. I just want to hug you both! (Is that creepy???)

    1. Ha! Not at all Janet. We'll hug you right back. XO, Mallory


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