Is January a Depressing Month?

Dear Amy,

I feel like I haven't really talked to you in such a long time! How are you? Are you enjoying January? I've heard that January is the most depressing month of the year… I suppose I could understand, with the holidays ending and the dreary winter days just beginning. I've always loved January though, with my birthday at the very end, and now with Harry's birthday on the 9th, I especially love January.

The day he left. Harry looks so little here.

I've been busy. I'm expecting a great, big homecoming next week. One I've been waiting almost five months for. (Side note, I realized the other day that I find myself shrugging the time off like it's really not a big deal when I talk to people who have dealt with deployments before. Why??? It is a freaking big deal. Five months is a long time to go without your best friend/partner/spouse. It doesn't matter if someone else deployed for six months, nine months, 12 months. Any deployment is hard and is a long time.) Anyway, busy. For two reasons: I'm getting ready for Jon to be home. Cleaning, organizing, playing with my kid all the while. And I'm finding tasks to keep myself busy. Because, as you know, I'd go crazy if I weren't busy.

I'm curious about your reunions with Aaron after deployments. Were they strange? Obviously they were exhilarating and unbelievably special. But once the excitement was brought under control… was it weird to have him home? I think it's going to be a little strange - in the best way possible. Not strange or weird in a bad way. It's just been five months of an entirely new routine and way of life. I'm used to doing it all on my own so it'll be interesting to see how quickly I'm able to relinquish some of the responsibilities. I hope this isn't coming off bad. I'm ridiculously excited and it's going to be the best weird of my life. Just weird. At least for a few days/weeks.

I have so many thoughts about deployments and this deployment in general. Their affect on the families, on the servicemen and women, on our pets. But this really isn't the time for that. I'm sure you understand I need to be much further removed before I'm ready to talk too openly about that.

That's my dad. And the cabin.

As for the cabin, my dad and stepmom did A LOT of it, but they did not build it. They bought the existing structure and land from a very tall man in Montana who now lives down the street and wants nothing more in life than to be a grandfather. His name is Bob and he built the cabin. When my dad purchased it, the main floor had a bathroom, a bedroom, and a living room/kitchen great room. It also had a basement that was a big, giant garage. They turned that big, giant garage into a much smaller garage and a bedroom, another (beautiful) bathroom, a great room, a mudroom, and two sleeping lofts. All in all, they added a queen bed, four twins, one full, a crib, and a spot to add another full sized bed. And it's beautiful.

I left Montana feeling excited, refreshed and a little sad. I didn't want to leave the cabin or the mountains or the snow or the thin, cold air. But most importantly, I wasn't ready to leave my family. I completely understand your sense of longing. I think it was especially strong this time for two reasons: 1) I was coming home to an empty house with no husband for a few more weeks and 2) there is just something about having a baby that makes you want that baby to be around family.

So yes, Christmas was wonderful, Montana was great, and I was not ready to leave. And my New Year's Eve? I actually thought to myself "I can stay up as late as I want to! I don't have to work tomorrow! I can watch a movie!" So I started a movie, and turned it off at 10. I slept through the ball dropping. But it was kind of nice. Just another night. And I got lots of rest, which I never complain about. Your NYE sounds imperfectly perfect. I guess that's just part of growing up, huh?

Your grown up friend,
Mallory

Impostors and gym rats.

Mallory! Hello!

First thing's first: I have no idea what I did to my shoulder. I think I strained something while lifting [that makes me sound like such a jerk]. All I know is, I asked Aaron for a shoulder rub repeatedly and they didn't provide any relief, so the strain was in my shoulder. Good news: it's healed. I know because I did some pull-ups tonight and nothing hurt [aside from muscles burning].

Also, I wish something cool happened while Christmas tree hunting, but our Christmas tree "hunt" comprised of a quick trip to The Home Depot for the cheapest fake, pre-lit Christmas tree we could find. Bonus points if we found a white Christmas tree (we did not). I don't know why I felt compelled to purchase a fake. I grew up with real Christmas trees--sometimes two at a time in one year! But I just felt weird about purchasing a real Christmas tree, one that took so many years to grow to desirable-Christmas tree size, only to bring it home and let it die a dry, dry death. I love a house with a real Christmas tree! I do! But I couldn't do it this year. I think it's the activist in me. She is constantly rearing her yelling, picket sign-wielding, exasperated face. Try as I might, I can't shut her up. And poor Aaron. He wanted a real Christmas tree. But when I explained myself, he laughed, and gave up the fight. I guess my explanation just took all the fun out of Christmas?

The Impostor.

Oh well.

Most importantly: Your photos are beautiful. And such a great indication of a much-needed and well-rested vacation. I want to sleep in the little picture window Harry seems to have favored. How much time do you think was spent in that one spot? Also, I've been wondering, did your dad and his wife build their cabin? I am so intrigued. It seems like a dream come true. Who wouldn't want to build their vacation spot?

Did you leave feeling refreshed? Homesick for family? Ready to go home? Dreaming? We talk about it a lot, but we are introverts. I find, though, that after a really good vacation or visit from a friend or hang out (etc.), I'm actually left with a sense of longing. Like I wish it could go on forever. I will walk around my house in a haze of despondency. I will sit in the airport with a feeling of disconnection. I will drive away from my family and friends with panic rising in my throat.

Why? Is it a spiritual thing? Is my soul longing for more of that connection? Or is it a psychological thing? Like, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to want those interactions, which was brought on by years of guilt from not wanting a thriving social life and all of that? I really can't figure it out. Am I alone in this? If I am, that's fine. I've always wondered, though. And looking through your photos I had to wonder if you had a similar tug of war post-good bye.

Top: Our New Year Eve celebration started at the gym. Gym rats.

Bottom: French 75s!

How was your New Year? Did you do anything extraordinary? Aaron and I made fancy drinks and fell asleep at 11:30PM. It was very anticlimactic. Oh, in between there we watched CSI. We really know how to party. [We don't even really like CSI.]

Happy New Year!

Amy

A Montana Recap.

Hi Amy!

I loved our impromptu hiatus too. So needed. As you know, I was in Montana, and a week without the glare of the computer was called for. It was so refreshing. But more on that in a minute.

First of all, I'm sorry that you guys couldn't go anywhere. I'm pretty sure I know why, and let me just say, BS. You guys deserve a nice vacation. I'm just saying. Maybe to Europe. Germany maybe.

The cabin.

What did you do to your shoulder friend?! Was it Christmas tree hunting related? Actually, do you guys do real trees or have a fake one? I went against my better judgement this year and got another real one, and man. I wish I would have done a fake one. Harry has done nothing but pull the lights off the tree and put them in his mouth or around his neck (yikes!) and the pine needles have all but killed my vacuum.

View from the top of the hill. Heaven, right?

So yes, Harry and I trekked up to Montana for the week. How do I describe the week? Let's just say I cried like a baby in the Atlanta airport on the way home. It was especially hard for me to leave that place. First of all, mountains are magic to me. Cold, crisp air is my drug. The snow is what I dream about.

My sister and Harry (top) and my dad (bottom).

And the cabin. Oh, it was a dream. So cozy and warm (heated by two wood stoves!) and ridiculously cute. My dad and stepmom did so much of the work to make this place beautiful… they turned a garage into a living room with sleeping lofts, a bathroom a millions times prettier than mine at home, and mudroom, and a bedroom with Burtons hanging on every wall. It was the absolute best place to spend Christmas, and I'm telling you, everything reminded me of Jon. Weird, huh? He's never been there.

Harry's reaction to the snow was priceless. So confused, so we got a blank stare. Then he discovered how great it was, and we weren't so crazy anymore.

Aside from the mountains and the cabin, it was so wonderful spending time with my family. As we all get older I am really realizing that they really are my best friends. They are so much fun to be around and probably the only group of people I'll play Apples to Apples with. And Harry loved every second. He got way too many dates and blueberries and even skipped his nap due to the chocolate chip pancakes he had that morning, but nothing is cooler in his book than sitting on Uncle Dylan's lap.

I mean, that view.

The second half of the week we headed to Big Sky for the boarders, and our hotel was a dream. Seriously, outside our window was the peak. People skied and boarded right passed all day long. Big Sky is amazing and even as a non-skier I loved it. I even got a pedicure. Sparkly gold, thank you very much.

This was right outside our ski-in, ski-out hotel.

So yes, it was an amazing trip. I wasn't ready for the end and it came too quickly, but here we are sitting right at the precipice of the best month of the year. I've got a pretty big birthday to celebrate in about a week (speaking of which, I had better get started on Harry's teepee!), a homecoming that I have been waiting five months for, and a laid back 27th birthday at the end of the month.

Can you believe it's 2014?! What are your plans / hopes / dreams this year? Any vacations on the horizon?

Cheers to you my friend.
Mallory

oh hey. we're still here.

Oh hi Mallory.

We took an impromptu hiatus during this holiday season and I love it. My mind has been so wrapped up in food and gifts and work and no work and dog walks and Aaron's weird schedule and sleeping that I wouldn't have been able to right a cohesive blog post/letter.

I didn't know he was going to smile, so I scowled. Merry Christmas!

Also, I messed up my shoulder at some point last week and sitting at a computer during those initial few days of pain would have been absolute torture.

First things first: YES! I would love to teach you how to knit. I have no idea when we'll have the opportunity to do this, so I suggest a Skype date. We can always hold the lesson on a Saturday during one of Harry's naps [as long as you promise to give me a peak of him sleeping because he just such a cute dreamer].

How was your Christmas?! You went on one of the most beautiful trips to see family. The photos you posted on Instagram? Beautiful. Do you love Montana? Did you explore the Big Sky area? How did Harry like the change of scenery?

We received a record player for Christmas, so we've been record hunting.

The Velvet Underground & Nico collector's limited edition colored vinyl FOR THE WIN!

As you know, I didn't go anywhere for Christmas. My job and Aaron's job wouldn't allow us to leave. It's actually kind of a sore spot for me at the moment, so we'll skip over the topic of the Dieringer's freedom. Actually, let me say this: just because we are without children does not mean we are less of a family and we should, therefore, be afforded the opportunity for leave just like everyone else.

My adorable, cuddly family.

Yeah, you heard that correctly.

Any ways. I can't wait to hear about your trip!

Your eager friend, Amy

Habits to Keep, Habits to Break

Dear Amy,

I love this topic! I, like you, am driven by some weird sense of perfectionism. I want to be perfect. Luckily, in the last year or so, my idea of "perfect" has changed drastically. In fact, my idea if perfect is indeed flawed. No one is perfect, nor should we be. It's the imperfections that are our quirks. But this shift in the idea of perfectionism has come at a point in my life where I needed to do so, because I just don't have enough hands to catch all the balls that are being tossed around in my life.

I really think this helps my self-confidence too. I've always had a weirdly high self image. Sure, there have been many days when my hair was not right, my jeans too tight, my face too oily, my hands too dry. But I've always had a go-getter attitude, thinking I could pretty much do whatever I wanted to, as long as it was related to the amount of work I put into it. And I wanted to do that work. But, this past year I have been able to let go of some of my flaws and really feel good about myself.

Do you think it's easy to control your self-confidence or no? I think I'm a little weird in this case.

Anyway. Habits. Habits to break and habits to continue strengthening.

Laughing with this kid. Easy as pie.

1. Laughing. It's an easy one, and is it really a habit? I don't know. But finding the humor in the situation. Life with a baby can be exhausting and hard. Life with a deployed spouse can be depressing and difficult. But life in general, is good. I have my moments, but overall, I've been proud of my resiliency, and it's a good habit I want to keep building upon.

2. Staying active. I have to. I go crazy if I don't get my workout in. My run. My activity. I've always been a gym rat, and I have that to thank for the quick release of my baby weight (and then some). I'd really love to get back to yoga though. I miss it like crazy and my back does too.

I'm teaching him a life off the couch from a young age. I hope I can do it in a way that is healthy.

3. Eating right. Since Harry was born, I've made a real effort to eat real food. Nothing processed, not a lot of simple carbs or sugars, just clean, healthy food. Stuff that you can pick or kill. I feel SO GOOD. I definitely want to keep it up.

4. Peanut butter. Yes, this is a habit. I eat it all the time. I go through a mason jar every 3-4 days. It's so yummy. And yes, I could be eating much worse things, especially since I make my own peanut butter so I know exactly what I'm eating. But I'm eating too much of it. And I need to work on breaking the habit. And while we're at it, yogurt. Again, something good and healthy… unless your lactose intolerant (guilty). It's just so good!

5. My attitude with the military. I'm working on it. It's not great. And a habit I'm trying to instill is to stop complaining about it. 'Nuff said.

Okay, so how about one fluff resolution. One thing you'd love to do next year. You're not going to be held to this; it's just for fun. I think mine would be learning to knit (can you teach me!?).

GO!
Mallory

PS I'm so proud of your gym going. I love inspiring others to get physical. Doesn't it feel good?!

habits.

Mallory!

Am I one for resolutions? No. Like you, I'm constantly trying to improve myself. This doesn't necessarily stem from a need to be ever-evolving, but more from a weird, innate need to be perfect. Which is something that I'm trying to resolve with myself because I recognize that it's unhealthy.

It's weird actually. I can look back on my life and pinpoint time periods that were very perfectionist-driven. There are other years, though, where I let myself go and accepted myself for myself. There doesn't seem to be a real pattern to it. I'm guessing it has to do with my fluctuating self-confidence. Does your self-confidence fluctuate depending on the seasons of your life or is it fairly even-keel?

Self-confidence is such a fickle thing, isn't it?

Any ways. Let's talk about habits we want to break and habits we want to maintain into 2014. How is that? No talk of resolutions. No talk of self-improvement necessarily. Just habits. Good. Bad. Fleeting. Life-long.

Let's dive in, shall we?!

(1) I would love to continue working out every other day. I seriously feel so fantastic right now. My energy level is a little bit more under control [without exercise I become the Energizer Bunny. No lie]. My stress level is healthy! I honestly haven't had a panic attack since I started working out. Which makes sense. Panic attacks only presented themselves in my life when I stopped working out. Like, way to go, Einstein [Einstein being me]. My bod looks positively fantastic. Like, my thighs are back. My butt is perkier. My stomach isn't just flat, but it looks strong. I actually have shoulders now!

I took this after our first night at the gym. I look way different. I should take another photo.

I'll stop gushing. I'm just really excited. I feel like myself again.

(2) I would like to break a majorly bad habit that I have established for myself: staying up too late. I'm a night owl. I get a ton of energy at night. But I know I could change this if I forced myself to get up earlier. Like, 8A. 7:30A. 7A. Any ways, I feel better when I wake up knowing I have the entire day. Who doesn't?

(3) I would like to start seeing a hair stylist on the reg. Like, every other month or so. Because my hair would maybe thank me instead of trying to extract itself from my scalp. Just an idea.

Stupid hair.

Do you have a hard time getting to the salon? Is it just me? Because I just think about the bill and the trying to find a stylist I like and the time it takes and I get tired and decide against a trip to the salon. Every time. Aaron actually has to force me to call and schedule appointments. No. Scratch that. He will seek out salons for me to call. It's embarrassing. For me.

(4) I would like continue taking the dogs for daily walks. Because we've never been very good at doing that, but ever since getting to Arkansas we've gone every day, barring the weather. Pats on the back for us.

Hurley after a particularly good walk.

What would you like to continue or break? I find habits to be such a weird, interesting topic of conversation.

Amy!

So Long 2013.

Amy,

Well you already know that I cried after reading your last letter, but let it be known (to the whole wide world, and/or the internet) that I totally lost it.

I am so thankful for you as well. I'm thankful for the friendship that blossomed out of a few emails and a mutual love for Harry Potter. I'm thankful for a friend who pushes me creatively. I'm thankful for a confidant who just gets it. I'm thankful for your permission to cry. I'm thankful that you drove all the way down here, sacrificing an entire weekend to sit on my couch and drink tea with me. I'm just so dang thankful.

You've had quite a year, and I love your attitude. So many things running the gamut from good to bad have happened to both of us this past year and holy cow. Attitude is everything. Staying positive in the face of unhappy, staying grounded (and giddy) in the face of elation. And allowing a quick breakdown when it's necessary. But a positive, half full attitude really makes a year something to be thankful for.

My 2013, according to Instagram.

Can you believe 2014 is upon us? I can't. In 2014, I'm going to have a one year old. I'm going to be moving. Again. (More on that later though.) I'm going to have a reunion which I've been waiting the last four years for. And so, so much more. Some I can anticipate and some I can not, but it's going to be an adventure.

Are you one for resolutions? I'm not, though I'm constantly trying to improve myself. I don't like to sit down at the beginning of the year and write out a list of all the things I'm doing wrong that I wish I wasn't doing. I usually try my hardest to break those "resolutions" as quickly as possible. But like I said, I'm constantly making sure I'm my best self.

So in 2014 I hope to remain positive and take every challenge as a new adventure. I hope to explore more than I've ever explored before. And I hope to love as hard as I possibly can.

What's 2014 have in store for you?

Mallory